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Later, gator

July 27, 2012

So this is my last post.

I know.

But I haven’t been writing much lately and I just feel like it’s time for a change.  I feel like my time here is done.

I will continue to write, I’m just not sure what outlet I will choose next.

Thank you guys for reading and laughing through life with me.  I’m really very proud of my 100+ blog posts and I’m flattered that any of you would read, let alone comment.

And for those you that enjoyed following my excessive sweating / body odor story lines, I have found my miracle cure in dabbing rubbing alcohol and then milk of magnesia (via cotton balls) in my underarms, once in the morning, once in the evening.

I am proud to say I no longer have to wear deodorant, EVER.  It’s a miracle cure!!

On that note…later, gator.


This Kid Knows Her Shit

January 6, 2012

Watch immediately.

This baybay kid is so pissed and I love it so hard.  As a child that got a He-Man for a birthday gift, I totally understand and appreciate this 5-year old’s message.

There’s still hope guys.  There’s still hope.

Hand to God.

December 22, 2011

Up until about a week or so ago, I thought the Christmas carol “What Child is This?” was actually named “Whose Child is This?”  and I can’t stop laughing at myself for it. 

Baby Jesus.  He’s a good time.

Is anyone else mildy disturbed by this statue that you can actually buy online? I mean…for a mere $229 you can have this fine lawn ornament for many Christmases to come. 

I am Christmas.

December 21, 2011

Happppppy Holidays!  I’m sure you are all very relaxed and have all your presents bought and wrapped and basically just chilling until 12/25. Right?

I typed December 21, 2011 today and just had to stop and think for the next two minutes how that’s even possible.  It’s almost Christmas.  Or as that one song goes “Oh Holy Shit, it’s Christmas”.  Historically speaking, I have dreaded Christmas.  Not for any one reason other than it’s just. so. busy.  There’s never enough time for anything.  And people lose their ever-loving shit.  They drive ridiculously, they’re rude, they’re crazy-eyed, kids crying seems to be louder, there’s a line to do ANYTHING, ANYWHERE, THERE’S NEVER ENOUGH PEOPLE WORKING THE REGISTERS AT WAL-MART, and of course I always get thrown off by people and what they wear.  I just…can’t.

Anyway, this morning I was thinking about how differently I feel about Christmas this year over last year. 

Last year I walked into my parent’s house on Christmas Eve and announced: 

“If I smell like cigarette smoke it’s because I smoked three cigarettes in the car on the way here today.  Merry Christmas!”

My parents, who are no longer shocked by anything I say, both laughed. Dad: “There’s beer in the fridge if you need one.”  I think it was like 10:45am. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.

Now, last year, I was really anxious about Christmas.  Your first year being divorced and going through the holidays is strange.  You wonder if your family is going to look at you differently because you are ‘different’ now.  I was 29, husband-less, baby-less…feeling like real damaged goods, ok?  In all reality, my family looked at me the same as they always have…a nice mix of “I’m glad she’s home for Christmas” and “Let’s open a bottle of wine, she seems a little close to the edge.”

And this year I realize, I’m not damaged goods.  Or maybe, we are all damaged goods in our own ways.

This year, my family decided not to do presents.  We are, instead, going to just enjoy our time together.  Games, wine, food, laughs, and arguments.  For the first time in a long time, I am not dreading Christmas.  Hell, I even got a real tree this year, thanks to Michael.   

Hell, I even hand-made ornaments for it with Curra, Kay and Margo.


Hell, I even decorated Christmas cookies. 


Hell, I’ve watched “Christmas Vacation” 3 times in the last week.

Hell, I may still get it together and send out a few Christmas cards from me and Fletchie.  We’ll see if he’ll sit still long enough for me to get antlers and a red nose on him.

Not only am I not dreading Christmas, I’m pretty sure I AM CHRISTMAS.

Happy twinkle lights and scotch tape and day drinking and board games and airing of grievances and mistletoe to all of you. 🙂

A Haiku.

December 9, 2011

“Winter Time”

I’m not complaining,

But this reduced sunlight shit,

Can kiss my pale ass.

I Dare You.

November 22, 2011

Listen to “You Can Call Me Al” by Paul Simon and try not to smile and feel happy. I dare you.

“If you’ll be my bodyguard, I can be your long lossst palllll…”

P.S. Previous post title: “This Difference a Year Makes”  This difference.  Who am I right now.  I’m correcting it, but for those of you that noticed, know that I also noticed and shuddered.  I swear I graduated from college.

The Difference a Year Makes

November 22, 2011

This morning, I contemplated laying in bed with the covers over my head all day.  I wanted to spend the day in bed, with my pajamas and my little corgi dog and not face the world. Yesterday, it seemed like this feeling was coming on mainly because my shower curtain rod had fallen down and no. matter. what. I. tried. IT WOULD NOT GO BACK UP.  I seriously wanted to javelin that bitch out of the second floor window.  

But I realize it’s more than the shower curtain. (although we can all agree, THAT SUCKS. That sucks like tangled-up hangers suck.  I will seriously have a Code Blue Meltdown over tangled up-hangers)

A year ago this week, my life changed significantly.  In one week, I got offered a great, new, full-time job, turned 29, and found myself to be going through a divorce.  It literally all happened in the same week. 

It’s amazing how quickly and completely your life can change.

More importantly, it’s amazing how much of a difference a year can make.

While I do still have moments, especially the last few days, of feeling enormously sad, I have even bigger moments of feeling so grateful.  I am so grateful for the people in my life, and the person I have become. 

My previous life seems so distant to me, and I don’t want it back.  However, I’m even grateful for it.  I learned more than I can say from being married and going through a divorce, and it changed me, for the better.  I am now more patient, more calm, more forgiving, more accepting, and more balanced.  I am more aware of what I need and what I can give. I feel more like “me” now than ever before and I’m happy, right where I am, just as I am.

Sometimes just saying that out loud makes you realize you have no reason to want to lay in bed with the covers over your head. (except for the fact that it’s awesome)

No matter what you’re facing right now, it will get better.  Do things that make you feel better.  Write. Create something.  If you can’t think of a project, go look at pinterest.  Swear to you, that site shows the coolest shit. Make a list of things you enjoy that you can focus some energy on. Make a list of five things you are thankful for and say them out loud each morning. Believe me, I’ve been to therapy, THIS WORKS. For me, my plan is to get my butt back in the gym daily.  I haven’t really been since daylight savings time started.  Also, it means either getting out of the office at lunch and getting outside or going to lay in a tanning bed a few times a week.  It’s bad for you, I know.  But as I’ve previously explained, S.A.D. is a real thing, and I need to get my Vitamin D.